It is October. That means that more than likely, other
that pumpkin spice everything, you have seen purple ribbon and red silhouettes everywhere.
Or maybe you haven't seen them or noticed them. It can be easy to lose track in
what can often seem like a sea of awareness months. According to RAINN,
Every 98 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. That means that
there is a good chance that by the time your kiddo has let you read this far,
someone has become a victim.
The National Center Against Domestic Violence reports that roughly 20 people every seconds are physically abused by an intimate partner (equaling 10 million in a year), adding that 1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 women believed they (or someone close to them) would be harmed or killed, and that just the presence of a gun increased the odds of homicide by 500%.
Of course, many of us know this. It is not a surprise. Many of us are way too familiar. We have a friend, a family member, a neighbor, or someone we know from church/book club/the gym/fill in the blank who has experienced domestic violence.
The National Center Against Domestic Violence reports that roughly 20 people every seconds are physically abused by an intimate partner (equaling 10 million in a year), adding that 1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 women believed they (or someone close to them) would be harmed or killed, and that just the presence of a gun increased the odds of homicide by 500%.
Of course, many of us know this. It is not a surprise. Many of us are way too familiar. We have a friend, a family member, a neighbor, or someone we know from church/book club/the gym/fill in the blank who has experienced domestic violence.
Or maybe we are that person.
Today, dear one, I want to be real with you.
Today, dear one, I want to be real with you.
Today, I want to break the silence.
I want to shatter
into as many small pieces that it can never be put back together.
I was that person.
I was in my early 20's and had met this guy leaving work. We took the same route every day, so we had a chance to talk. He was smart, funny, charismatic. He had an amazing way of covering the walking dumpster fire that was his life. He asked me to coffee, so I figured, why not? Public place, lots of folks around...it was perfect!
We went out for coffee and hit it off. He was a little older than I was, and was a hot mess; but at that point in my life, so was I. I had reached max burnout in the mental health field and needed a break; so I was trying to find myself (and consuming a lot ofvodka, tequila, rum, wine, beer
alcohol of all varieties in the process).
At first everything was fantastic. We would hang out and talk about philosophy. Religion. Politics. Life. We would just chat.
I was that person.
I was in my early 20's and had met this guy leaving work. We took the same route every day, so we had a chance to talk. He was smart, funny, charismatic. He had an amazing way of covering the walking dumpster fire that was his life. He asked me to coffee, so I figured, why not? Public place, lots of folks around...it was perfect!
We went out for coffee and hit it off. He was a little older than I was, and was a hot mess; but at that point in my life, so was I. I had reached max burnout in the mental health field and needed a break; so I was trying to find myself (and consuming a lot of
At first everything was fantastic. We would hang out and talk about philosophy. Religion. Politics. Life. We would just chat.
Early on, he asked me if I was “cool” (aka did drugs). I told him no, and when he asked if I was
cool with him using while I was there, I also said no. In the beginning, he told me totally
understood and respected the boundary. And
then he started getting high in front of me. The first night he told me
it was "just a little pot" and I was making a big deal of
nothing. I let it slide. I mean,
it was “just pot”, right? I was being ridiculous, right? (For all of you
jumping up and down and arguing that there is no difference between alcohol and
cannabis/it has medical benefit/etc., take a deep breath, this is not that post).
This was the first step.
Over the next few weeks he demanded I spend more and more time with him. If I wasn’t there, he would insist I was cheating. He started doing harder drugs when I was at his house. Finally, one night, high on a combination of God only knows how many drugs, he choked me. I was not sure if I would survive. The second he let go (read: blacked out, high as a kite), I grabbed my keys and ran.
The weeks that followed included the typical pattern. Calls, text massages, apologies, begging for forgiveness (bordering on anger). Then he told me he was struggling so I am came back out (he knew this was a struggle for me). We were together for another two weeks before he started hitting me, threatening me, doing drugs, and choking me. I told him I was done and nothing would change that.
Then came January 3rd.
You know, I always heard the statistic that it takes, on average, 7 times before a victim will successfully leave their abuser. I never understood...women who survived domestic violence were some of the strongest people I had met (I grew up volunteering helping women in DV situations).
On January 3rd, I found out.
That night, he called me, just like before. He told me that everything was falling apart and that he needed my help. He said he needed a ride. He insinuated that he was suicidal and needed to talk to. I tried every way I could to get out of it. I knew deep down that something was wrong.... very, very wrong with this. But finally, I gave in to his feigned desperation.
As I got there, I saw multiple people. At least five guys. Everyone was doing drugs. It was clear that I had not been told the truth. I tried to leave, but one of the guys blocked the door and gave me a drink. Despite my protests, he told me to have a drink and by the time I was done, my ex would be "done" and ready to go.
That night, I was he and four of his friends held me hostage.
Over the next few weeks he demanded I spend more and more time with him. If I wasn’t there, he would insist I was cheating. He started doing harder drugs when I was at his house. Finally, one night, high on a combination of God only knows how many drugs, he choked me. I was not sure if I would survive. The second he let go (read: blacked out, high as a kite), I grabbed my keys and ran.
The weeks that followed included the typical pattern. Calls, text massages, apologies, begging for forgiveness (bordering on anger). Then he told me he was struggling so I am came back out (he knew this was a struggle for me). We were together for another two weeks before he started hitting me, threatening me, doing drugs, and choking me. I told him I was done and nothing would change that.
Then came January 3rd.
You know, I always heard the statistic that it takes, on average, 7 times before a victim will successfully leave their abuser. I never understood...women who survived domestic violence were some of the strongest people I had met (I grew up volunteering helping women in DV situations).
On January 3rd, I found out.
That night, he called me, just like before. He told me that everything was falling apart and that he needed my help. He said he needed a ride. He insinuated that he was suicidal and needed to talk to. I tried every way I could to get out of it. I knew deep down that something was wrong.... very, very wrong with this. But finally, I gave in to his feigned desperation.
As I got there, I saw multiple people. At least five guys. Everyone was doing drugs. It was clear that I had not been told the truth. I tried to leave, but one of the guys blocked the door and gave me a drink. Despite my protests, he told me to have a drink and by the time I was done, my ex would be "done" and ready to go.
That night, I was he and four of his friends held me hostage.
That night, they gang raped me
That night I was tortured and almost died.
But I did not die. I survived. And it took me a long time to realize that I did not survive to let him silence me any longer. Back then, I had no voice. Speaking out was not safe.
Today, it is different.
If you in an unsafe situation, find someone you can trust and tell them. Tell them regardless of whether you are ready to leave. Ask them to help you get to a DV shelter to create a safety plan (these can address notification, guns in the house, etc.). And know that you are stronger than you ever believe. That does not change if you go back.
If you are a friend of someone whom you believe may be in an unsafe situation, first. I would not recommend coming out and saying "is your partner abusing you"...that often shuts things down. But conversations about feeling safe at home are important. Feel free to approach it in a couple of ways, but also know that you have planted a seed. Make sure they know you love and care about them and want to help however you can. That way, if they feel ready to talk later, they will know you are a resource.
There are absolutely somethings that you should never say to a domestic violence victim. These include:
1. I cannot imagine. They were always so nice to Me!
2. Are you sure it is really domestic violence? Everyone fights!
3. Did you provoke them?
4. Are you just doing this for attention?
5. I know you have a (fill in the blank, drinking, drugs, etc.) problem. Are you sure this isn't just a distraction?
That night I was tortured and almost died.
But I did not die. I survived. And it took me a long time to realize that I did not survive to let him silence me any longer. Back then, I had no voice. Speaking out was not safe.
Today, it is different.
If you in an unsafe situation, find someone you can trust and tell them. Tell them regardless of whether you are ready to leave. Ask them to help you get to a DV shelter to create a safety plan (these can address notification, guns in the house, etc.). And know that you are stronger than you ever believe. That does not change if you go back.
If you are a friend of someone whom you believe may be in an unsafe situation, first. I would not recommend coming out and saying "is your partner abusing you"...that often shuts things down. But conversations about feeling safe at home are important. Feel free to approach it in a couple of ways, but also know that you have planted a seed. Make sure they know you love and care about them and want to help however you can. That way, if they feel ready to talk later, they will know you are a resource.
There are absolutely somethings that you should never say to a domestic violence victim. These include:
1. I cannot imagine. They were always so nice to Me!
2. Are you sure it is really domestic violence? Everyone fights!
3. Did you provoke them?
4. Are you just doing this for attention?
5. I know you have a (fill in the blank, drinking, drugs, etc.) problem. Are you sure this isn't just a distraction?
6. Have you prayed for the
situation to improve?
7. Have you talked to your pastor
about marital counseling?
8. Have you tried being more
responsive to their needs?
Things you can absolutely do to help a victim of domestic violence:
1.Take them to the library. Many offenders track their computer usage, so having access to something they cannot view the history of is very important when they are trying to leave (In the planning phase)
2. Listen. Make sure they know that they are believed, loved, and supported.
3. Express concerns about safety and discuss options but do not decide for them victims of domestic violence are trying to get of a situation in which they already have a person ruling their life. You don't want to be another.
4. Provide transportation to wherever they need to go if they choose to leave. Also, if you can, have a little go bag for your friend (and kids). Toothbrush/toothpaste, pads/tampons, incontinence supplies (if needed) diapers, face wipes (these are available at almost every store at every price level), coloring books and crayons, etc. These things don't end because of the hell they are living through, but they are the creature comforts that make us feel just a bit better.
In Peace & Love
JSB
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